To be clear, this isn’t just an article about how to get away without flashing your dick/vagina/balls/tits to a group of people, but rather how to deal with a horrifyingly embarrassing moment in your life. For me, that moment was last week when I accidentally sent a picture of my naked body, dick and balls included, to a group text full of professionals.
First, let me take you back on a little journey to the first time I was absolutely mortified, humiliated by my dick and balls. I was 10 years old during a Summer church camp in 2000 (stay with me here). Our entire camp, probably 100 kids, were going to a local public pool to do some swimming! I was having a blast with my friends, joking, laughing, running, splashing. It was a great day under the sun!
At some point, a diving competition began, and the entirety of the camp was fixated on which camper could do the most impressive dive. This bode well for me, because I had mastered this sick 360 front flip and I was prepared to blow everyone’s tits off with it. The problem was, there was this loud, obnoxious redneck girl named Allison Cassel in the grade above mine who happened to be at the pool that day. As soon as I got on the diving board, she said,
“WE CAN ALL SEE YOUR JUNK, DUDE!”
I looked down at my crotch, and sure enough, my basketball shorts were suctioned around my frank and beans so tight that they might as well have been painted on. Laughter erupted throughout the pool. The only people who WEREN’T laughing at my misfortune were the camp 6 camp counselors and my best friend. I could see their hearts breaking for me as my face turned bright red.
Now what I SHOULD have done was smile and say,
“You’ve has your eyes on my junk all day, Allie!” and do a backflip gainer right in her dumb fucking face.
Instead, I did the opposite. I followed it up by doing the most embarrassing dive of the day. With my head hanging, I slowly walked over to the edge of the diving board and basically tried to lay down on the water from 5’ off the ground. The entire front of my body hit the water at the same time, so I made a loud slapping noise as I entered the pool. Now in pain and stricken with shame, I stayed under water until I nearly passed out, probably 40 seconds, in hopes that everyone had moved.
The problem was, I was underwater so fucking long, that the lifeguard was blowing her whistle and pointing at me as I broke the surface. There was literally someone with a whistle and bright red shorts pointing at me from an elevated position. Now I’ve had a pool full of kids see the shape of my D and Bs, I did an accidental belly-buster in the dive competition, and I have 7 camp counselors around me asking me if I was okay. I truly would’ve chosen drowning in that moment.
Up until last week, that was the most embarrassing moment of my life.
I am in a professional networking group with an attorney, a realtor, a mortgage lender, a financial advisor, a jewelry store owner, and the owner of a debt collection agency. We organize our meetings using a group chat and give each other daily motivation and to schedule our meetings. I consider myself fortunate to be connected with this group, as they’re a great referral source for me and my business. I can’t think of a worse collection of people to spam with deck and schnetz.
I was on the toilet in my house last week, catching up on a few messages within the group chat. I stood up from the toilet, finished doing my business, washed my hands, and went to charge my phone. When I plugged in my phone, the screen lit up.
That’s when I realized what I’d done.
Somehow, someway, I sent a picture of my body, naked from the waist down, to this group of fine people. There are few looks that are less-appealing than the slouched over, flaccid cock, but still wearing a T-shirt. Picture Winnie the Pooh, but as a man, and with soft cock hanging between his legs. That was the picture that was sent. I immediately broke out into a sweat and started to panic. I deleted the message from my phone and called the girl who began the chat and frantically asked if it was still out there. Still visible on her end. My heart-rate spiked. I laid on my floor and considered my options.
I could kill myself? Permanently ending it would certainly solve the embarrassment I was feeling. But then I would forever be known as the guy who ended it all over a dick pic. Not the legacy I want to leave.
I could move away? Starting over in a new town. New faces. Possibly in a country where smart phones don’t exist. Too expensive.
My only option was to own it.
I picked up the dumb fucking stupid fucking piece of shit cellphone that betrayed me and started to call everyone in the group and explain the situation.
“Hey it’s Austin. Wanted to apologize for the Winnie the Pooh dick picture. As I’m sure you can tell, that was a total accident. I had a feeling you would all be seeing me naked at some point…. But, I was hoping it would be because I was dancing on a table in Cabo San Lucas or a tape from my amateur porn career surfaced.”
Every single one of them laughed for a moment, but quickly empathized with me about how it could easily happen to any of us. They all appreciated that rather than hide in shame or tell another lie about getting hacked, I just leaned into it. It was refreshing for them to hear someone tell the truth in the face of absolute shame and embarrassment. They all agreed to delete the picture on their end of the group text, and now it is gone.
It isn’t a human’s first reaction to laugh at themselves during a moment of humiliation. But, embarrassment be damned, being able to joke around about it takes the venom out of the moment.
It puts you in control of the situation and you can create the narrative around it.
Own your failures, learn from them, and come back with a tan, a few diamond rings, a fluffed cock, and a pile of cash conveniently placed hear your balls (metaphorically speaking).