Five Ways to Make a Breakup F*cking Unbearable
We’ve all been there.
Your relationship with someone you once loved has gone cold. Whether it was your decision, their decision, or completely amicable, you’re now single and trying to get over someone you cared for deeply. It fucking sucks. It’s confusing. And now you must pick up the pieces and try to get on with your life.
That, or, you can take a few months or years and allow the breakup to absolutely rip the beating heart from your chest and drag it down a Latex road made up of the condoms your ex and their new lover have used since you guys split. (Realistically, they probably aren’t using condoms).
I have a friend who is currently dealing with a final breakup with a girl he loved for 5 years. He really did go out of his way to make the relationship work and it seemed like the harder he tried, the more distant she became. Since then, I have never, and I mean NEVER seen a person deal so horribly with a breakup. He is torturing himself in almost every way imaginable and it drives me fucking crazy to see him destroy himself emotionally.
So, for anyone looking to handle a breakup in the worst possible way…Here are five easy steps to take your grief to a dark, more depressing level!
1) Continue to follow their social media accounts
“I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss them? I better check their Instagram and see how sad they are.”
It’s the internet and even if they are sad in real life, they certainly aren’t going to display that on the web for your sorry ass to see. Instead, here are 30 recent photos of them looking happier and sexier than you remember them ever looking when you were together. Who the fuck is this super-fit, seemingly successful dude she is hugging? I bet he’s a pussy. Better go look at his page just to confirm. WELL-FUCKING-WELL. Here are his rock-hard and hairless abs accompanied by his perfectly quaffed hair. And is that a new Mercedes?
Nothing will make you feel more inadequate and unworthy than looking at your ex’s most superficial versions of themselves. Be sure to subscribe to the updates for optimum depression!
2) Frequently listen to your “song” and continue watching the shows you enjoyed as a couple
Remember that song that makes you think of her and her smile? Remember that TV show that she demanded you ONLY watch when you two were together? Continue to enjoy both while you’re alone to really make yourself feel like a bag of dogshit in the bottom of a hotel dumpster.
In my twenty-seven years on Earth, I have never seen anyone quickly get over a relationship by constantly pounding reminders of all the good times they once had into their brain. Most experts would recommend finding other things that you enjoy that have no cognitive triggers to your former lover. But for those seeking total misery, the opposite route shall better serve your unquenchable thirst for gloom!
3) Vacation alone to places you used to go together
I shit you not, my buddy has taken two vacations this year by himself. Both trips have been to THE EXACT locations that he and his ex visited while they were dating. His rationale was, “Yeah I just had a good time there when I went before, so I thought it might help me feel better”.
Much to no one’s surprise, the trips only brought back the fun memories they shared together and he was now sad and 600 miles away from his friends and family. What kind of masochistic psychopath would put themselves through such agony? YOU if you want to reeeaaaally feel that burn!
4) Don’t try to date or meet new people
The excuse of “I’m just not ready to date someone else” within two weeks of the breakup is valid. The excuse of “I’m just not ready to date someone else” four months after the breakup is just a way of holding out in hopes that your ex is just a lost soul who will someday find their way back to you. The truth is that if it’s been four months, they’ve already moved on and it would behoove you to do the same.
It has NEVER been easier to meet potential spouses, friends, fuck buddies, etc., as it is today in 2017. Tinder, Bumble, Snapchat, and the likes are responsible for millions of connections around the globe. You can create a few accounts and will be so busy dating, swiping, messaging, texting, and (hopefully) sexting that you won’t even have time to be upset. If there is one thing that pretty much everyone can agree on, it’s that social media has made getting laid possible for just about everyone.
Definitely avoid the aforementioned activities for maximum emotional distress.
5) Have gross sexual encounters
I’ve heard people say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I’ve never heard someone say that the best way to get over someone is to fuck a human so grotesque that you spend 20 minutes the next morning gripping your sink and staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror while the shower runs behind you.
Time for a little story.
A friend of mine who was dealing with a breakup decided to go out with some of his college pals for drinks on New Year’s Eve. After everyone was good and shit-faced, the whole crew (4 guys and 3 gals) came back to his condo where they would all be sleeping that evening. One of the girls in the group snuck into his room while he was in the bathroom and slipped under the covers of bed. A tale as old as time!
My friend remembers being indifferent about the opportunity, as he did not find her overly attractive. But, as drunk men often do, he decided he would rise to the occasion and grant this woman the hookup she was seeking.
They began to kiss and immediately she became overly passionate. Within 10 seconds of their mouths touching she was breathing moaning loudly and digging her fingernails into his neck and back. He was uncomfortable with the noise due to his 6 friends trying to sleep right outside the bedroom door and didn’t have enough time to get excited about the scratch marks on his body. To make matters worse, at one point she grabs his throat so hard that her hand is shaking, looks him in the eye and says, “I JUST WANT TO PLEASE YOU”. What the fuck? He literally did not know this person 6 hours ago.
He’s so uncomfortable by this that he fakes having to get a drink just so he can walk away for a few minutes. By the time he comes back, she’s passed out in his bed. No sex was had and he was now bleeding in several areas.
Later that night he hears a rustling sound from the end of his bed. He turns his lamp on and there she is, ass naked, her face expressionless as she stares directly into his eyes like Emily fucking Rose. Right as he was about to say something to her, she starts PISSING on his hardwood floor with the force of a garden hose. As you could imagine, the sound was loud and it was quickly making a gigantic mess.
In a drunken state of confusion, he asks “What are you doing”? This jars her enough that she decides to crawl onto his bed, mid-piss stream. My friend’s bed is covered by a quilt that his favorite grandmother made him and he is VERY protective of it. Knowing that she was about to pee on it, he puts his foot on her chest and lightly nudges her backwards to keep her the off the bed until she’s done peeing. She is so drunk that she completely tips backwards, falls off the bed, and lands flat on her back in the piss puddle. The wet “THUD” echoes noisily off the walls.
He gets up to go grab towels from his bathroom and by the time he comes back, she and her piss-soaked body are asleep in his bed, under grandma’s quilt. She wakes up the next morning with no recollection of the entire event. He politely asked her to get her things and leave.
That next day he sent his ex a text, asking her to give him one more shot. Who the fuck could blame him? If this is what being single is all about, why would anyone choose this? Only one type of person WOULD choose this… Someone who wants to feel like shit without their ex.
Maybe someone like you?